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RNC Day 4: Final Day of Torture

Published

on September 5, 2008

. 0 Comments

11:04 PM Cut to Times Square, 5 people clapping. I love New York.

11:02 PM Huffington Post retweet: John McCain “reluctantly” talks about his POW experience…for eight paragraphs.

10:51 PM I do believe John McCain is a good man, and that he loves his country, and as Republicans go I’ve always liked him. But this speech shows just how devoid he is of ideas to help this nation.

10:51 PM I’m not kidding, I swear I just saw Joe Lieberman peeking out from McCain’s fly.

10:49 PM Only a rack of Red Bull will get me through the rest of this speech.

10:40 PM From a pure speech perspective, McCain can’t wear Sarah Palin’s jock strap.

10:37 PM My sources on the floor tell me that anyone that utters the name “Bush” tonight will be tasered and drugged until morning.

10:26 PM McCain waited for applause that didn’t come…

10:22 PM McCain’s mum might be the 8th wonder of the world.

9:56 PM BREAKING NEWS: Cindy McCain loves her husband John and recommends him for President of the United States.

9:41 PM CINDY McCAIN: Lincoln huh? Abe would have loved Westmoreland’s little “uppity” nugget on The Hill today. I’m sure he would be proud of the what you’ve done with his party.

9:19 PM HUFFINGTON POST: In a Thursday morning conference call for reporters organized by the Democratic National Committee, Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius pushed back against the idea that Republicans have cornered the market on small-town American values.

“I live in the American heartland, and have been a governor [here] for six years,” she said. “I don’t know any mayor in any small town in Kansas — and we have a lot of mayors of small towns — who hires a lobbyist and goes after earmarks the way Sarah Palin did.” On Tuesday, the Washington Post reported that, as mayor of Wasilla, Palin secured more than $27 million in federal earmarks for a town with only 6,700 residents.

Just one of the many lies this week that will be rejected over the next few days. Probably longer because there’s a boatload of GOP bullshit to refute.

9:17 PM Short, two minute video on Sarah Palin’s career probably summed up all of her “extensive” political accomplishments, no matter how many were fabricated or distorted.

9:07 PM Lindsay Graham looks like that kid in school you just couldn’t help but slap around. He still looks like he could use a couple.

8:42 PM You knew it was going to happen, 9/11 video just shown. Placards with “PEACE” should be replaced with “FEAR.” Pathetic.

8:32 PM GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN WESTMORELAND: “Just from what little I’ve seen of her and Mister Obama, Senator Obama, they’re a member of an elitist class individual that thinks that they’re uppity,” Westmoreland said.

When a reporter sought clarification on the racially loaded word, Westmoreland replied, “Uppity, yeah.”

We’re the GOP, and we approved this message.

8:10 PM Floor delegation reporting from CNN seems strangely challenging tonight, almost as if they’ve had enough of 4 nights of hypocrisy. I expect the next interview to start with “Hey dumbass, explain this…”

8:08 PM Props to the old bitty who just used the word “duende” in a sentence on CNN. Of course if Obama had used that word Rudy Giuliani would have had a fucking field day with it.

7:58 PM Archbishop Demetrios who gave the invocation tonight was detained upon leaving the convention and sent to Guantanamo. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

7:55 PM The problem with Harry Reid describing Sarah Palin as “shrill” last night is that he left himself no room for improvement in describing Marsha Blackburn.

5:06 PM CNN: Iowa, which was a toss-up just yesterday is now solidly in the Obama column by 15 percentage points. So much for that “Hockey Mom” bounce huh?

5:05 PM CNN: Rush Limbaugh loves Sarah Palin. If you are a Republican wishing for Democratic crossover votes you might want to tell your conservative whackjobs to shut their cakeholes.

4:47 PM Vanity Fair estimates Cindy McCain’s “Connie Conehead” dress and ensemble from Monday night.

Oscar de la Renta dress: $3,000
Chanel J12 White Ceramic Watch: $4,500
Three-carat diamond earrings: $280,000
Four-strand pearl necklace: $11,000–$25,000
Shoes, designer unknown: $600
Total: Between $299,100 and $313,100

Yup, the GOP. That’s your party of the common man…and woman.

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RNC Day 3: Angry Left? Nope, We’re Still Here Windbags.

Published

Karl

on September 4, 2008

in Media and Politics

. 3 Comments

11:57 PM Jeffrey Toobin just called Palin speech “smug, sarcastic and cutting” which is a strong reaction even from Toobin. Roland Martin warned that Dem’s would jump all over “community organizer” bashing tomorrow which Rudy and Palin seemed to enjoy sneering at. This is the moment when I thought the GOP’s colors really bled through this bullshit disguise they had been trying out this week. And Jeezus would someone please find Mitt Romney’s medication?

I’m frankly surprised that GOP seemed to bail on a clearly transparent theme with wider appeal but hey, you are who you are. The McCain camp better hope that Palin can hold her own when she can’t fall back on smart speeches and has to suddenly think on her heels. I expected a strong speech I but think it was a gamble to come out blazing to this degree. I doubt this will play outside rank and file Republicans and all it does is give Democrats carte blanche to rip her to shreds, it sure as hell won’t win over any remaining Clinton pantsuits.

Thus far all the “attacks” came from the “liberal media elite and left wing bloggers” but after tonight’s throwdown it’s going to be 60 days of pure pain for Palin. I, for one, am thrilled that the gloves are off, enough sniveling about sexist attacks. You want to play with the big boys? Suck it up Gov., here it comes.

11:09 PM Oh look, it’s the freshly and conveniently engaged Levi Johnston onstage!

11:08 PM DEAR ALASKA: Keep the snowmobiles tuned up, Sarah will be back in two months.

11:03 PM For those keeping score we’ve now reached double digits in the “McCain Torture Tally”.

11:03 PM This is a good speech…whoever wrote it.

11:01 PM PALIN: “…self-designed Presidential seals”? HEY! BACK OFF GRAPHIC DESIGNERS!

10:55 PM It is good to see women on the same political stage as men, looking dead into that camera with no fear, lying there asses off. This IS a great country.

10:45 PM The really cool thing about this speech is that when the sun rises tomorrow morning Gov. Sarah Palin is moose meat. Game On.

10:42 PM SARAH PALIN: “…always proud of America.” First shot, but at Michelle not Barack.

10:30 PM SARAH PALIN: I can’t believe I’m typing that name.

10:29 PM You really get the sense that the GOP is completely out of ideas on how to win this election.

10:14 PM RUDY GIULIANI: “Drill Baby Drill” Now THERE’S a catchphrase that will resonate with voters. Why didn’t the Dem’s come up with that?

9:44 PM Rudy Giuliani is up, perfect time to go to the bathroom.

9:27 PM MIKE HUCKABEE: Had the balls to say when Obama returned from Europe that he came back with “ideas” to limit our liberty. I know Huckabee lost a lot of weight but I’m wondering if the majority of it was lost between his ears.

9:25 PM MITT ROMNEY: One last note, if this convention wants to keep talking about McCain and his torture in Vietnam is it appropriate to talk about the “liberal” opposition to Guantanamo? Oh wait, that’s not torture…my bad.

9:15 PM MITT ROMNEY: I’m loving this, if you wanted the Democrats to win in November you could not have asked for a better speaker tonight than Mitt. In all my years I’ve never seen or heard such an empty meat sack.

9:11 PM MITT ROMNEY: Five minutes in and Romney is talking about about families of “a mom and a dad.” He also spoke of “promiscuity” which will not play well in Alaska.

8:55 PM I thought I’d be temped to jam a #2 pencil into my eardrums at 9:15 to avoid listening to that fraud Romney but the constant drone of Carly Fiorina made me push up that timetable by 20 minutes.

8:48 PM Cripes, now I see why HP sacked Carly Fiorina. Notice she hasn’t said anything about creating jobs.

8:37 PM Watching CNN’s Campbell Brown makes me keenly aware of my obsession for women with strong chins.

8:20 PM Tonight’s lineup:
9:15 pm Fmr. Gov Mitt Romney
10:05 pm Fmr. Mayor Rudy Giuliani
10:35 pm VP Candidate Gov. Sarah Palin
We’ve reached the “Smoke and Mirrors” portion of the convention. If I wanted to waste two precious hours of my life I’d rent a Michael Bay film.

8:18 PM Bob Dole in the house. “You know it, I know it, American people know it.” I always liked Bob, well…in non-election years.

7:16 PM RNC video theme tonight is “Prosperity.” No surprise that this was a very quick video.

7:07 PM I expect nothing but a rousing, effective speech from Palin tonight. With all the scrutiny (and let’s be honest, SOMEONE had to friggin’ do it) does anyone think she didn’t have a whole McCain team crafting this text?

7:05 PM Just tuned in to see the convention kicked off tonight with the singing of “God Bless America”, thought I had mistakenly tuned into the 700 Club.

6:45 PM DICKLESS RNC: So where exactly is Dick Cheney? Do we also get a closed circuit feed of him tonight or is he at an “undisclosed location?”

6:07 PM How intriguing that the GOP faithful suddenly care about “real people with real problems.” In the past they were labeled as promiscuous, lacking values or God and were ridiculed. If this is real concern and not political opportunism then welcome to the fucking planet, we’ve been waiting for you to show up. Maybe by 2012 you’ll come to grips with race and sexual preference.

5:50 PM Peggy Noonan and Mike Murphy unplugged. “Political bullshit” YOU SAID IT SISTER!

4:15 PM Let me get this straight, the campaign met with Palin ONLY ONCE for 3 short hours and then the next day McCain picks her to be just a mole away from the most powerful leader on the planet? Dunkin’ Donuts has a deeper vetting process than the McCain camp does.

3:53 PM CNN TICKER: “Tonight’s speech regarded as the most important in Palin’s career.” Thank you for that in-depth reporting.

3:31 PM LET THE EAGLE SOAR! Last night’s epic GOP stage show gave me a hankerin’ for the vocal stylings of John Ashcroft.

3:03 PM It’s official! According to the GOP, two years doing anything constitutes “tremendous experience.”

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RNC Day 2: Convention of Dunces

Published

Karl

on September 2, 2008

in Media and Politics

. 2 Comments

11:22 PM I disagree with CNN’s description of Lieberman as a “pariah.” I tend to think of him more as a festering, disfigured leper.

11:17 PM Are vegan voters put off with all of CNN’s “red meat” talk?

11:15 PM HUFFINGTON POST TWEET: Newt Gingrich on MSNBC discussing GOP’s broader coalition. WARNING: Coalition May Not Include, Blacks, Hispanics, Anyone Not Rich, White.

10:59 PM LIEBERMAN: Joe asked us all to vote for the “person who we best believe to be President not the party we belong to.” Nice try, now go home and fix John’s dinner.

10:52 PM LIEBERMAN: Just how the hell did the Democrats win the popular vote in 2000 with Joe on the ticket? See? Anything is possible.

10:46 PM LIEBERMAN on GUSTAV and RNC: “put our country first” yeah, and then politicize it tonight right Joe?

10:40 PM LiEBERMAN: Hey Republicans, now you see what we had to put up with. Good luck with that.

10:35 PM THOMPSON: I’m just happy I had some Xanax left in the medicine cabinet to get me through that speech.

10:13 PM THOMPSON loves that Palin can “field dress a Moose.” Well that should get the vote out. There’s a good reason why this guy isn’t holding office or at least pretending to on camera.

10:09 PM BAD ACTOR ON STAGE: Fitting that Fred Thompson follows Reagan tribute.

10:05 PM Reagan tribute refers to “conviction politics.” Apt description for the GOP.

9:59 PM I love that this guy is giving us lessons on 9/11. He didn’t even quote from “The Pet Goat”

9:56 PM BUSH: “The Angry Left.” Pretty tough talk from a guy hiding behind a closed circuit TV camera tonight.

9:54 PM Post-Gustav revisionist history. Bushie, you’re doing a helluva job.

9:53 PM Cut to Vet yawning at Laura Bush. I hear you soldier.

9:37 PM Story and tribute to Navy SEAL Michael Monsoor is pretty incredible.

9:28 PM McCain Manager: ‘This Election is Not About Issues’ Umm, yeah…it is.

9:25 PM Donna Brazile just praised Anderson Cooper for his New Orleans reporting this past week saying “we love you, you’re our boo now..” I really love this woman.

9:07 PM FUNNY HAT UPDATE: Significantly less flamboyance than in Denver, it looks more like “senior line dancing night” at Gilley’s than the RNC.

8:34 PM COLBERT ON PALIN: “She’s certainly got experience. Governor of Alaska for, twenty months, uh, now listen, that may not sound like much, but when you account for just how long the nights are there, that is like 36 years in the senate.”

8:12 PM Wait, aren’t these the EXACT same conservative evangelicals that wanted you NOT to see the movie Juno.

7:48 PM I’d like CNN’s John King to show me on his fancy shmancy map of his which states don’t think Sarah Palin is completely bat-shit crazy.

7:42 PM As the convention begins CNN just cut to Carl Bernstein who had the look of a man about to cut into 24 ounce ribeye.

7:30 PM Really, NASCAR has a wider African American base than the GOP.

7:30 PM Unlike the DNC, when the GOP says keywords like “diversity” the networks wont find it so easy to scan the crowd and find a person of color. They might need to keep cutting back to the dude playing the sax in the band.

4:50 PM PALIN: IRAQ “A TASK FROM GOD” The more I hear about this nutty woman the more she reminds me of Martin Sheen’s apocalyptic Greg Stillson from The Dead Zone.

4:36 PM GLENN BECK just said on CNN that he’s “white trash” and is essentially why the country will identify with Sarah Palin. Yes, he actually said this.

4:32 PM GRUMPY OLD MEN: McCain pulls Larry King interview over anger of Campbell Brown interview with McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds. McCain spokesman blames tirade over “bad gruel” and puts candidate to bed for the evening.

1:31 PM FOX’S Steve Doocy also believes physical proximity to Russia equates knowledge of foreign affairs. Name a bigger assclown and win a new set of steak knives.

1:06 PM Who is suddenly more unfit for the office? McCain or Palin? CBS sums it up perfectly:

McCain was asked a while back about what he’d look for in a running mate. He said the “key” is to find the person “most prepared to take my place” in the event of a crisis. McCain spent the ensuing months with a motto: “Country first.”

I don’t doubt for a moment that Sarah Palin is a nice person and probably a competent Alaskan governor. But she also has the thinnest background of any candidate for national office since 1908. Is McCain willing, with a straight face, to argue that Palin is the single “most prepared” person in the entire United States to assume the presidency should tragedy strike? Is anyone, anywhere, prepared to argue that McCain has put “country first”? Of course not; these ideas are literally laughable.

12:12 PM Wondering when the GOP or Dobson’s whackjobs will desperately try and spin Palin’s daughters pregnancy on some sort of “immaculate conception.”

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RNC Day 1: The GOP is All Wet

Published

Karl

on September 2, 2008

in Media and Politics

. 0 Comments

10:23 PM RNC LAUGHS: Cindy McCain on Palin, Russia and Foreign Policy: “….remember: Alaska is the closest part of our continent to Russia. So, it’s not as if she doesn’t understand what’s at stake here.” McCain then went on to say “thank you very much, we’ll be here all week, try the veal.”

6:19 PM Meet Sarah Palin, neither experience or judgment apparently.

6:05 PM How the GOP can really help New Orleans. Use Sarah Palin as a sandbag.

6:00 PM www.CauseGreater.com. So where was that fucking website during Katrina?

5:55 PM Hurricane Gustav distracting the nation from the visible evidence that Cindy McCain buys her clothing from The House of Star Trek.

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DNC Day 4: Rocky Mountain Hi

Published

Karl

on August 28, 2008

in Food, Media and Politics

. 0 Comments

11:24 PM I can’t recall a more perfect speech, it was riveting. David Gergen actually summed it up best as he called it a “symphony” and a “masterpiece”. I can’t wait for the GOP’s turn next week, it should be good or at least hilarious theater.

9:12 PM Michael McDonald on stage, dems miss golden opportunity to make “What a Fool Believes” parallel to McCain.

9:01 PM CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin had the gall earlier to suggest that the convention would essentially get whiter towards Obama’s speech and ditch all the MLK references. Okay, who put the TV on FOX?

8:26 PM Al Gore on deck. Al, without you none of this would be possible…thanks for the Internet.

8:23 PM Yes, this is my party, and we can bust a move.

7:19 PM Speaking of poor screening Mike Dukakis is here, I was told he took the train. What’s the moratorium on tank jokes?

7:13 PM Morgan Fairchild in attendance. I thought they would have better screening tonight.

12:06 PM Joe Lieberman as possible McCain VP? C’mon John, at least make it look like your trying. Even Karl Rove broke out in a rash over this rumor.

11:57 AM Tonight is the big night as Obama takes the field and says hello to the country…and specifically those who haven’t been paying attention for the past 19 months.

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DNC Day 3: There’s a Lot of Love in the Room

Published

Karl

on August 28, 2008

in Community, Food, Media, Politics and The Parkway

. 0 Comments

10:51 PM Biden opens up a serious can of whoopass on McCain. John, you’ve got this for 70 more days pal.

10:27 PM She hasn’t said a word and already I love Jill Biden. I hope we get to see a lot of her in the next 4 years.

10:22 PM Speaker Pelosi laughs like Betty Rubble, I know this isn’t hard hitting reporting on the level of “McCain has picked his VP”, I’m just saying.

10:01 PM Anderson Cooper with a jab of his own, assails networks “paltry one hour of coverage” Meow!

9:47 PM One of the best speeches of the convention. Great sound bites and jabs. “Before he ever debates Sen. Obama, John McCain should finish the debate with himself.”

9:38 PM Wow, Kerry is really going after McCain. Maybe David Gergen will shut his pie-hole now.

9:30 PM The Clinton’s were spectacular, all this worry for nothing. Maybe the DNC should be sweating John Kerry up on the podium next. * gulp *

9:27 PM How I’ve missed Bill Clinton’s “biting bottom lip” and simultaneous “thumbs up” sign.

9:00 PM Jessica Alba on the convention floor. Top that GOP.

8:41 PM Teresa Heinz Kerry shown speaking with Michelle Obama. Hopefully telling her to make sure her husband doesn’t repeat any dumbass “reporting for duty” shit tomorrow night.

7:00 PM This election season is remarkable. We’ve seen the first woman candidate entered into nomination, the first African American nominee for President, and next week the GOP will nominate the first fossil.

6:48 PM OBAMA NOMINATED BY ACCLAMATION: Even with the buildup this was goosebump inducing.

6:38 PM NEW MEXICO: We don’t care who your State Auditor is, really. Yield and be gone.

6:36 PM ROLL CALL: Are they all “great states”? I mean I’ve traveled around this country and a few of them really suck goats.

5:24 PM Sean Penn: “I will reluctantly vote for Obama.” Trust me Sean, he’ll reluctantly accept it.

5:12 PM I just saw a picture online of the elaborate staging for Obama’s speech on Thursday night, it’s either that or the set for Caligula II.

5:03 PM Can we just skip all the bullshit and ask Brian Schweitzer to come back and speak again tonight?

4:40 PM Clearly more Republican operatives in the convention hall, there are significantly more “wide stances” seen in the men’s room.

4:19 PM The morning after Hillary: Reunited and it feeels so goood, reunited cause she understood…

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DNC Day 2: The Empire Strikes Back

Published

Karl

on August 26, 2008

in Politics

. 1 Comment

11:08 PM: Wow, Hillary may have made a great VP huh? Now let’s see if the party can sustain this momentum tomorrow night.

11:07 PM: It took almost two full nights but finally someone is setting the bar higher at the DNC.

10:43 PM: Hillary on stage. I’ll say this, Obama could NOT pull off that color.

10:18 PM: Hey Montana, we’ll trade you Deval Patrick for Brian Schweitzer straight up okay? Alright, we’ll throw in some lobsters as well. Hello? Hello?

10:18 PM: Empty suit Mitt Romney sighting at the DNC. There’s never a hyped up cop with a water cannon when you need one.

10:03 PM: Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick is up next, I can tell because the convention workers are busy putting up really expensive drapes.

9:39 PM: Still waiting for Joe Lieberman to appear but apparently he’s stuck back in McCain’s colon.

9:19 PM: James Carville just unhinged his jaw and swallowed Anderson Cooper whole.

9:02 PM: HATS ON PARADE PART II: The odd network fascination continues. I wonder if the GOP will step up the headwear next week or just go with their traditional hoods?

8:57 PM: Charles Barkley live on CNN from the floor. He’s an amazing straight shooter, unfiltered and unafraid. I can’t believe I booed him back in the 80s.

8:42 PM: I am becoming increasingly concerned that Denver’s lack of oxygen is contributing to rampant sleepiness on the convention floor.

8:34 PM: Does CNN’s David Gergen, the guy that keeps complaining that America needs to hear more from the Dem’s at the DNC, realize that CNN is showing only about 15% of the actual convention?

8:12 PM: I can’t believe I missed Dennis Kucinich. Thank God for CSPAN

6:06 PM: Platform, shplatform, GODDAMN THOSE DEMOCRATS CAN DANCE!

2:59 PM: It’s a question that transcends party politics: Why does anyone give a rat’s ass what Madonna thinks?

2:35 PM: Hillary is on stage performing speech walkthrough. Bill is most likely back at the hotel racking up an insane Spectravision bill.

2:34 PM: Karl Rove on FOX after Michelle Obama speech: I don’t think she did too well on saying I love America. That wasn’t adequate enough.. WOW, I really thought that was a fake quote from The Onion. Rove is stranger than fiction no?

2:23 PM: After watching Chris Matthews take on PUMA backers of Hillary Clinton I’m now in favor of mandatory IQ and breathalyzer screening before voting.

1:50 PM: Soledad O’Brien could be covering the Republic of Djibouti political conventions and I’d still watch it gavel to gavel.

12:32 PM: I just heard the term “Republican Truth Squad” and laughed so hard milk came out my nose.

12:22 PM: Strongly considering a Clinton news and sarcasm embargo until speech tonight so I need a new viable target. Wait, is that Deval Patrick talking with Gary Hart?

12:20 PM: Campaign honcho on CNN has seen Clinton speech and says it’s perfect right down to the punctuation because Hillary “is a perfectionist.” Apparently she lowers her standards a bit for marriage.

11:00 AM: Today marks the 88th anniversary of women voting rights. Now for chrissakes don’t screw it up.

10:51 AM: I had a dream last night that foretold of Hillary showing up for speech in flowing black Darth Vader robe. Ominous sign? Clearly there’s a disruption in the force.

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DNC Day 1: Hillary Held in Captivity

Published

Karl

on August 26, 2008

in Politics

. 0 Comments

11:00 PM: It’s a wrap, what a great speech by Michelle Obama to end the night. I can’t believe how less “stiff” the Obama family feels in comparison to Kerry and the Ketchup Queen of 2004. All in favor to adjourn and raid the mini bar back at the hotel say “AYE!”

10:47 PM: Quick camera shot of Al Franken and Fritz Mondale sitting together. Is this the 2012 dream ticket?

10:21 PM: WAIT! Carville is harping on the fact that he hasn’t heard anyone bring up (and bash) McCain or Bush all night? Read Nancy Pelosi’s speech that you missed during your puff piece with Virginia Gov. Tom Kaine. Best Political Team my ass.

10:15 PM: The sight of James Carville makes a solid case for NOT buying a HDTV.

10:10 PM: PRESS ALERT: For those interested former President Jimmy Carter will be giving an informal foreign policy speech tonight at the Waffle House off RTE 70.

10:04 PM: Former Congressman Rep. Jim Leach on the podium doing his best to dispel the internet myth that HE is the voice of Kermit the frog.

9:59 PM: While there’s a lull in the action (duh) let me add that the DNC has done an amazing job with the creative design and typography for this the convention. No stuffy 19th century serifs for this party.

9:49 PM: Chicago City Clerk at the podium. So much for that momentum.

9:47 PM: It took nearly 5 hours but the convention finally seems to have some momentum. It’s surreal to see Ted Kennedy walk off the convention stage for what may be the last time.

8:47 PM: Joe Biden is just the perfect “straight out of central casting” VP choice. I wonder if they tried to draft Martin Sheen?

8:47 PM: A Susan Sarandon sighting on the convention floor. I feel the evil GOP machine awaken and start to stir.

8:41 PM: Latest McCain ad is SERIOUSLY retouched to make him look less younger and ghoulish. The campaign must have had a separate $1,000 a plate fundraiser for that job.

8:35 PM: First instance of in-depth “hat coverage” from the convention floor. God Bless America.

8:28 PM: Yes, that’s a shiny row of Macs that the CNN political team is using. Only those fascists at Fox use PC’s.

8:12 PM: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on the podium and oddly enough not getting a lot of play on CNN.

7:45 PM: 3 hours in and I’m hearing a lot of words like “mistreated”, “hurt” and “disrespected” in regards to Clinton. I’m wondering if Dr. Phil can be brought in to deliver the keynote address?

7:45 PM: Heavy Earth, Wind and Fire vibe in the hall so far, if I hear even a note of Peaches & Herb I’m switching over to “Deal or No Deal.”

7:18 PM: Dems trotting out anyone with even a passing relationship to Obama. On the podium at 8:40 PM: Obama’s podiatrist.

7:01 PM: Jesse Jackson speaks tonight, Obama’s nuts safely miles away in Iowa

6:46 PM: I’m curious, do the Clinton’s give James Carville health, dental and matching 401K?

5:34 PM: CNN has technical issues, cannot hear what Clinton floor delegate has to say in interview. Clearly the opening prayer has had some immediate good effect.

5:26 PM: McCain get’s Daddy Yankee endorsement, DNC gavels proceedings to an early close conceding general election.

5:11 PM: Checking the nightly DNC schedule, Michelle Obama is up later then I believe it’s the talent competition followed by the Catalina Swimsuit competition.

5:00 PM: The Convention is open! Howard Dean has called delegates to order. I think they can officially tap those Coors kegs now.

4:56 PM: John Edwards is nowhere to be seen in the convention hall but is said to be handing out free pomade samples at Sally Beauty Supply.

4:43 PM: I may not have heard this correctly but I swore I just heard Wolf Blitzer say “with less than 0% of the precincts reporting, CNN projects that Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States.”

4:23 PM THIS JUST IN: John McCain sends wife Cindy McCain to Georgia to check on civilian casualties and potential Anheuser-Busch distributorship possibilities.

4:19 PM: Will Joe Biden’s “give them the devil” comment today help or hurt him with the largely undecided Satanic demographic?

4:11 PM: Denver police armed with crowd-control guns, ammunition and accessories from less-than-lethal weaponry. Not necessarily to be used exclusively on candy-ass Hillary Clinton supporters but we can hope.

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Zai Jian Beijing

Published

Karl

on August 26, 2008

in Media and Sports

. 3 Comments

Well the games are over and thus begins my typical post-Olympic let-down. Seeing the Beijing Olympic Games end is sad enough but it’s made even worse by the stark realization that it’s departure opens up primetime slots on NBC for the “Deal or No Deal” and “America’s Got Talent”. Mention Howie Mandel and suddenly Chinese media censorship sounds like it has merit.

My family is more than just a bit obsessed with the Summer and Winter Games and every two years we throw an Olympic dinner to celebrate the Opening Ceremonies replete with native garb and poor accents. In the past we’ve thrown epic Greek dinners, Tuscan feasts, and now a full Chinese event. I’ll need at least 18 months to figure out just what the hell to serve for the Vancouver 2010 games. I sincerely doubt Super 88 sells whale tips.

This year the house was decked out in paper lanterns, bamboo and various Chinatown trappings and some exotic (barely edible) foods for the big event. We hoped to bring a few live chickens in for authenticity but ran into those pesky local health ordinances. With only 2,000 Pandas in the world we wisely chose to leave those cute little buggers off the menu.

These games were complex so I’ll save the social and political commentary for another time but from an athletic perspective they were gripping. Chinese government authorities must have been relieved that such good sporting drama took the focus off issues surrounding human rights, censorship, the eviction and tearing down of dwellings to erect stadiums, you know…the small stuff.

I noticed a strange, almost Disney animatronic look to many of the volunteer’s during the games. In general, the Chinese people seemingly could not have been more warm and welcoming. Yet many of the volunteers looked as if they dropped a smile for even a second that their village might be burnt to the ground. The Opening Ceremony was jaw-droppingly beautiful but finding out that authorities squelched news of a dancer paralyzed in a fall and used a cute last-minute stand-in for a not-so-cute little girl didn’t help China’s P.R. It remains to be seen what might become of China with suddenly more interaction with the rest of the world, but clearly these good people deserve better representation.

Back at the ranch, when we weren’t stuffing our faces with sticky rice, Chinese Short ribs and Mocchi, we had ourselves parked in front of the new HDTV to take in all the action. I had thought of blogging during the games but that would have required leaving my plush Olympic lair. I decided instead to just “tweet” random observances and smart-ass comments via Twitter and my iPhone over the last two weeks. I also found it increasing difficult to form complete sentences during women’s beach volleyball.

Many of these chronological dispatches from the recliner are random observations like “cripes, will someone tell the Chinese diving team to eat a freaking sandwich.” However by week two of this sports glut I’d become a bit agitated by the onslaught of repetitive advertising fed by NBC’s Olympic sponsors. Oh sure, who doesn’t understand that Olympic athletes are fueled by McDonald’s grease like hybrid cars, but by Sunday night I had openly wished for retired gymnast and sequined Claritin shill Shannon Miller to have a sudden sneezing fit and hit her head square on the balance beam.

Outbursts aside, this list still serves as a fitting, albeit brief snapshot of the Beijing games from my comfortable perspective. Goodbye Beijing, I’ll miss you. Hello Vancouver.

Oh, and if anyone has any delicious Inuit recipes laying around please feel free to pass them along.

BEIJING TWITTER RECAP

Bush arrives in Beijing, suddenly the air in China is even more toxic.

Ahoy polloi: Ralph Lauren designed USA Olympic outfits make our athletes look like massive illegitimate spawn of Thurston J. Howell III.

LeBron James at the Olympics: “representin’ the whole United States of America.” LeBron, on behalf of the U.S., don’t go out of your way.

China’s men’s gymnasts are amazing but have yet to master the “high five” like their western counterparts.

Women’s Olympic Field Hockey: unearthing those dormant Catholic schoolgirl fantasies.

Is it me or does Bob Costas seem taller and more confident in China?

Watching Olympic Women’s Beach Volleyball played in the rain, this should help NBC’S ratings.

Au revoir French swimming team! How dooo you say beeetch slapped?

Sears is proud to be the provider of Bela Karolyi’s Olympic wardrobe.

NBC practically saying in new ad “if you think HEROES sucked last season wait until you see it this fall”

Good god almighty please tell me this is the last night I have to suffer through Bela Karolyi.

Gripping Olympic coverage so far, men’s field hockey, fencing, equestrian. Time to clean the bathroom.

Thinking about starting a punk band called “Nausea, Dry Mouth & Constipation”

Developing an unhealthy obsession with the Polish women’s volleyball team.

Chemistry.com commercials: “I promise to annoy the crap out of you in 30 seconds.”

Chinese gymnast Cheng Fei trips and falls down stairs leaving Olympic venue, judges award her a 15.950

As a typographic nerd I find the USA track relay team’s handwritten bibs more disturbing than their inability to grasp a baton.

Watching China’s diving team makes me hopeful that one day we Americans will start sending our 4 year old’s away to grueling acrobatic camps.

Olympic BMX? BFD.

I realize they’re talented but I’m fairly certain that the reason the Chinese divers make such a small splash is that they weigh 35 lbs.

Call me old-fashioned but I’m nostalgic for a return to those Munich games, pre-huggy Men’s Team Volleyball days.

Hairy, homo-erotic Olympic Greco Roman Wrestling on NBC today. I could have waited a bit longer to buy the high-def TV.

While watching synchronized swimming I noticed that there appears to be a visible “eyeliner slick” in the pool.

Olympic games are closed. Can we PLEASE have a two year moratorium on the word “represent”?

Still holding out slim hope that “cheese eating” will be an Olympic sport by the 2012 London games.

Beijing closing ceremonies straight out of Suess’s Whoville right down to the who-hubas and gardinkas.

Olympic closing ceremony: London’s mayor has a bit of Chris Farley’s “Tommy Boy” in him doesn’t he?

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Cooking again

Published

Karl

on July 2, 2008

in Food, Food & Wine and Music

. 3 Comments

As much as I’d love to provide an elaborate, exotic excuse for not blogging in two months (”I was in Brazil directing the new Gnarls Barkley video”) the truth is that I’ve been inundated with work, exhausted and…well frankly…pretty freakin’ lazy.

Blogging is obviously not as physically grueling as an advanced pilates class and I truly love to write, but each day at the Watershed Media underground command center seems to stretch an hour longer than the last and I’ve just not had the energy. When the day finally ends I either dive headlong into that first fabulously numbing Tangueray Rangpur and tonic or seek refuge in my garden. Cuddling up with my Macbook as adorable as it may be and authoring even more copy does not strike me as “me time.”

This is the time of year that I’ve been longing for, the fleeting season of outdoor entertaining, cooking, lounging, cocktails, eating…you get the idea. My waking hours away from the desk are spent almost exclusively on these pursuits, none of which require wireless access or Photoshop. Most of our design projects at work include copywriting so even “casual writing” lately has had zero appeal and feels increasingly like a task, thus my embarrassing hiatus.

Okay, I’m done with the symbolic “falling on my pen”, I’m back, somewhat energized and ready to blow the dust off my laptop. Thank god for spellcheck, my keyboard is not the only thing that has accumulated dust.

No hiatus is without it’s benefits. I’ve had time to catch up on some reading recently and I just finished Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential which I could not have enjoyed more. As I approached the final chapter I noticed that the Travel Channel was replaying Bourdain’s No Reservations in anticipation of the new season premiere on July 7th. One of the episodes this past week had Tony back as a line cook at Les Halles. It was interesting to see the book come alive as Bourdain worked a double shift in his old kitchen.

Earlier in the week I received a package that I had been expecting from the Food Network. A month ago I had won an essay contest of sorts on Tammy’s Boston Food & Whine blog. The contest centered around Food Network’s The Next Food Network Star and the prize package included Bobby Flay’s Grill It cookbook and some other Food Network swag. (Hey Food Network, what’s with the large t-shirt? Large? Who the hell wears a large shirt these “supersized” days?)

I’ve been a Food Network zealot for longer than I care to admit so submitting a slightly off-color winning essay was a piece of cake (truth be told there was hardly any competition). But I’ve noticed lately that the network has seemingly lost a step or two. Rachel Ray elicits more media backlash than Hillary Clinton, Paula Deen had long ago reached the limits of butter-infused southern-fried death vittles, even my favorite Bobby Flay is one “PB&J Throwdown” away from reaching the end of his rope. And has anyone carved out a cushier gig biting into pulled pork sandwiches and staining his shirt every week like Guy Fieri?

Flay, Mario Batali, Iron Chef America and Ace of Cakes are the only programs that keep me coming back to the Food Network. Even Giada DeLaurentiis in my opinion has lost her smoldering Tuscan hotness with her bitchy performances on NFNS. When as a network executive you can see the merit of showing how Shedd’s Spread Country Crock Margarine is created on Unwrapped you know it’s time to retool.

In Bourdain’s book he mentions the amazing line cooks he’s had the pleasure of working with, the majority of which were Latino. As I watch the Food Network’s current lineup and annual search for that “next big thing” I see only a token attempt to extend their ethnic reach. I know, I know, they tried with Jag before that whole “serving in Afghanistan” fisaco. And no, the recently jettisoned Nipa and her “add curry to everything” doesn’t cut it.

Granted, the Food Network is looking for someone with more camera appeal than kitchen chops ala Rachel Ray or god forbid, Sandra Lee and her tastefully matching hors d’oeuvre and party decorations. Yet I wonder if they truly care about finding more Latin flavored programming and on-air talent or if they’re just going to keep ramming the likes of a greased-up Paula Deen down our throats?

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